Ok, so you’re probably wondering why I chose to make the decisions I made, and in particular, why I started this site in the first place.
That’s a fair question, believe me. I’ve been wondering the same thing. I suppose what I am really looking for is a place to document my experiences, thoughts, day-to-day challenges and triumphs.
You might ask then, why I did not just write a personal journal. Well, another fair question. I suppose that I felt like sharing my experience with others. I mean even though each individual person has unique circumstances, there must be others out there that are sick of their jobs, or their lifestyles, or maybe both, as in my case. Some may find this enlightening or inspirational, while others might find it silly and superficial. That’s up to you. One thing I will promise is that I will always tell it like it is; period.
In order to tell you what prompted me to make these changes, I will have to let you in on a few events that occurred recently and changed the way I look at life. Basically, three things happened in a very short span that would make me re-evaluate things in short order.
1. Six months ago, I attended a funeral for one of my co-workers. Stan was a manager and worked in another department. We were friends years ago when we were both working in the London, Ont. branch. We hadn’t really kept in touch for a few years, but the news of his death came as a shock. He was 49 and died of a massive heart attack. He also left behind a young family.
His death affected me in ways I could not have imagined. I felt as though I had lost a brother. I felt so sorry for his family.
As bad as I felt for Stan and his family, in the coming weeks, I found myself obsessively thinking about my own mortality. Not only was he only 5 years my senior, he also led a very similar lifestyle to mine. I was concerned.
2. About a month ago, I received a written warning from my manager about drinking on the job.
Our department had taken one of the secretaries out for her birthday. We all had at least a pint; some had more than one. This was lunch, by the way. I was one of the individuals who had more than one beer.
Returning to the office, I was sure I had things under control. I mean, even the managers, and VP’s for that matter, had a few for lunch (I know this for a fact) on occasion.
I had settled into my cubical and was carrying on with my job, when I was approached by someone from another department and asked about some paperwork for an on-going account. 1 hour later, I was sitting in my manager’s office.
I’ll spare you the details, but needless to say I was offered help, and given a warning letter at the same time. The letter came the next day actually.
I felt like quitting on the spot. I was humiliated and felt betrayed. I had never had any sort of disciplinary action brought against me in my entire working career. I was the senior person in our department, but that didn’t seem to be worth much. I was technically intoxicated at my workstation; cut and dried. My manager is actually not a bad person, and I could tell that what he did, he did reluctantly. But rules are rules.
I hated my job before that incident, but now, I was seething. I wanted to gather all the VP’s together and just tell them exactly what I thought of them and the company. It took me a long time to cool off from that episode.
One good thing that came out of all that is that I no longer have any feelings of loyalty towards the corporation. When I finally do decide to hand in my resignation, it will be with no reserves and guilt free.
3. Now the final incident is really the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I live common-law with my girlfriend, Donna. We have been together for a few years now. We are co-owners of the house we live in and get along pretty well most times.
She is a very sociable person and one of the things we enjoy doing on the weekends is getting together with friends, whether at our house or wherever we happen to be invited to.
For the last year, she seems to be getting pretty chummy with the neighbors (Anne and Steve) 2 doors down. Actually, she is much friendlier with Steve. So much so, that I had to keep reminding myself that we are all just friends.
Now, I am not a jealous person, but the two of them just seem to have connected in some way that is beyond the good neighbor relationship. Anne and Steve usually attend the same get-togethers, and when Donna and Steve meet up, it’s like they communicate on some secret level with their sly, knowing looks. Donna perks right up when Steve is around. Others have noticed it too. I have walked into a room where the other wives have been talking. I think I know what’s going on. Again, I’m not some insecure, paranoid and jealous loser, but I hate to be made a fool of.
The weekend after my work episode, we were invited to a party at a neighbor next door. As usual, Anne and Steve were there and again my senses picked up on something between Donna and Steve.
I was still pissed off at the warning letter fiasco and I was drinking a lot more than I normally do. Around mid-night, I noticed that Donna and Steve had disappeared. Anne had also noticed this. We both walked through the neighborhood, but they were nowhere to be found. Anne started crying and I went to console her with a hug. Now I was drunk and I believe she was a little tipsy also. The next thing I did was to move my face towards hers and I tried to kiss her. I didn’t get the response I had hoped for. She turned away and immediately stopped crying. She looked at me with the coldest look I ever saw anyone give. Her only words were: F**k off. She ran back to the house and by this time the other two had returned. They had gone to get ice.
The rest of the night was a blur. I briefly remember arguing with Steve. Anne had gone home and Donna was not talking to me.
I woke up on the couch in the morning feeling more tired, sick and physically wasted than I had ever felt before. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was staring back at an old man. I was thoroughly disgusted. There I was, fat, hung-over and… “old”. I was 44, but looked like 60. I vowed that I would never touch another drop.
Little did I realize that drinking was just a small part of the overall picture.
Donna greeted me with a holier-than-thou attitude that morning. I was scolded like a small child. She seemed to take pleasure in the fact that I had gotten caught. How hypocritical can you get? I didn’t argue. I just packed a bag
and left.
Before leaving, however, I went to see Anne and Steve to try to offer my apologies. As expected, they weren’t very friendly towards me. I apologized to both of them (well mainly Anne, since Steve would try the same with Donna, if given the chance) and I left. Keep in mind that I do not try it on with my friends’ wives as a habit. I felt that something was going on with our spouses and that maybe it was a way of getting even in some odd way. Really, Anne isn’t even my type.
I took a week of last-minute vacation time and headed off on a soul-searching adventure. I needed time to think clearly and make plans. I had to change my life and turn things around before it was too late. I was, after all, just 44.
A week in the wilderness can do wonders for a person. I was able to sit down and analyze things without all the “background noise.” I devised a plan and was determined to see it through.
I am living back at home for now. Donna is still here, for now, and I feel as though I have been super-charged. The act of simply making the decision to change things has been euphoric. I can’t wipe the smile off my face.
No one is talking to me yet. I don’t care, because they don’t fit into my plans anyway.