theratracejournal.com

The two months I spent back at home proved to be invaluable. It provided the time and space I needed to do some serious planning. In fact, it would have been perfect had it not been for the fact that I sensed some resentment among other family members. Yes, I’m sure they thought I was “back home for good” - home to sponge off my parents. Hey, it’s not like I was 20 again. At 46, that would have been weird, and it’s simply not the way I wanted to do things.

As to why I turned up at my parents’ door: I don’t have a good answer for that. As I mentioned, I certainly had enough money to rent a place for a while. I suppose I reasoned that until I knew what I was going to do, it made little sense to buy or even rent a space to live yet. Besides, I needed comfort and familiarity at that point – I can’t explain why.

Now, after a bit of contemplating, I began to put a few things together in my head. I imagined different scenarios and ways that I could achieve my goals. These thoughts flooded my brain in a torrent. Every imaginable idea presented itself from the practical to the impractical, to the outrageous. Most, however, were fragmented and random – there was no structure – no practical way to implement them. Something was missing.

I realized I had no hope of putting anything together because I had no direction - I really didn’t know what I wanted. Sure, I wanted less stress, more leisure time, and more control over my life, but that was very vague - too vague, in fact, to start implementing solutions.

So, I sat down and took a long hard look at my life and what I truly wanted. I came up with the following:

1. I wanted independence. I knew there was no way I could go back to the 9-5 grind. In fact, the thought of working for anyone ever again depressed the hell out of me. I knew that I wouldn’t (couldn’t) ever be that faithful employee. I would never allow myself to be controlled like that again.

2. I wanted more free time – to come and go as I pleased. Having ample time to pursue non-work related pastimes was important. If working was going to be a necessary evil, I wanted it to be on my terms. Surly, there was a way to create my own schedule – to take time off as needed.

3. I wanted to adopt a minimalist lifestyle. Actually, I was well on my way since ditching that high-stress job in the city and bowing out of the hyper-consumer lifestyle that I led. I don’t know, but adopting this way of life just felt right – I slept better at night. Now, trying to wean myself from that excessive lifestyle was difficult. Initially, I felt like such a loser, but that was more of a self-esteem issue than anything.

Bottom line: I had to generate a little money in order to be self-sufficient. The alternative was waiting until my money ran out and then being forced to live on government assistance. That would mean compliance with their rules, and that would defeat the purpose.

Now, I suppose I could have purchased a plot of land and started growing my own food with the hopes of achieving self-sustainability, but that’s just not me. I wouldn’t have the knowledge or aptitude to follow through with such a thing. I was a product of modern society, whether I liked it or not.

There had to be a middle ground – a way to satisfy my wants and needs while still remaining within the system. Yes, try as I might, I couldn’t imagine breaking free entirely. I simply couldn’t survive without being able to generate a little cash to cover my basic needs.

Even though the system still had a grip on me, I was not obliged to fully embrace it.

Next: I’ll start talking about the plan I implemented.