theratracejournal.com

Three weeks into the “program”, and I really must say, that this sucks - a lot.

I’m miserable because I’m denying myself the simple pleasures I’m used to. What’s that old saying? “My stomach thinks my throat is cut.” I think I’m going through withdrawals, not unlike a drug addict going cold turkey. I really miss the way I used to eat. It was pleasurable.

Is it any wonder that most diets are short-lived, or fail completely? It really is a lifestyle change. You must think long-term lifestyle change.

I’ve been sticking to my self-imposed misery, though. As I mentioned before, it’s just common sense; I simply stay away from fat, sugar, salt and white bread. I try to eat lots of vegetables, fruit, grains, and drink tons of water.

Exercise still consists of walking. I’m increasing the distance every day (up to about one mile on some days). The key here is routine. I don’t miss a day.

To keep on the positive side, I constantly remind myself that it’s for the best in the long run. Adding extra years to your life is always a good thing.

I have a confession. I walked by an outdoor patio the other day and I happened to glance over towards the bar. Sitting on the end, was this full pint of Boddingtons (cold, with just a bit of foam spilling over the rim of the glass). It had been freshly poured, and I guess the bartender was just waiting for the beer to settle.

As I was walking by, I had this uncontrollable urge to grab the beer and just down it, non-stop. Nothing, at that point in time, would have been more refreshing. *mental note – must treat self to ONE beer after work today, to maintain sanity.* I haven’t consumed any alcohol in three weeks, so this should be interesting.

The only ray of hope is that I might be losing a bit of weight, although it’s such a small amount, I can’t be sure. I could have sworn, however, that my belt is a little looser than it used to be. Could there be hope?

Many months ago I had one dominating thought - by the way, this was prior to my bid to change my life. The question that kept nagging me, day in and day out was: What do I really want out of life?

It’s such a simply worded question, yet so meaningful in many ways. “What do I want out of life?” For once, I carefully considered this. It’s funny how, up until now, a question like that was so superficial. Years ago my answer would have been something like, more money, a high status career, and in general, a higher standard of living.

Well, I don’t know if it’s a sign of maturity, but nowadays, things like freedom and leisure time seem much more attractive. As an example, years ago, I would volunteer for as much overtime as possible. It seemed that making more money was the key to success and therefore happiness. These days, time is infinitely more important. I only work overtime when requested by the boss (and even then, I turn it down whenever possible).

Yes, I certainly value my free time these days. Besides, the government tax on overtime is horrendous.

Ok, so back to the question. Well, I would have to say that what I really want is the ability to choose. I would like more choices. I would like more freedom. Currently, I have no choices. I have worked my way into such a tight corner that I feel I can’t move.

My expenses pretty much equal my pay. I don’t have any money left over at the end of the month. If I had no debt, there would be a chance to save a little, but that’s not the case.

Being in this predicament means that I need every last cent, just to survive. I can’t have any interruption in pay without feeling the effects financially. I am literally two months from living on the street. I hate this situation; it’s very stressful.

The solution? Reduce my expenses - simple, yet effective. Cutting back my expenses will give me breathing room. It will eventually give me more choices and lower my stress level. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be operating at 110% all the time.

Going to work knowing that I’m banking a good portion of my money will be refreshing. Working, knowing that I don’t owe a cent, will seem much less stressful. It’s really a mind-set.

Yes, what I want is to have choices. To work at something I enjoy because I want to, not because I have to. To have choices when it comes to my work and leisure time. To be my own person and make decisions for myself and not the corporation. To reap the benefits of my own talents and hard work. To come and go as I please, when I please.

I’ve spent the last 20 years as a virtual slave to the system. I won’t allow myself to spend the next 20 in the same situation.

How do I plan on implementing this? I’m not sure yet - possibly a small business, a job that I actually enjoy, or maybe just a combination of living off my investments and a part-time job. Once I slash my expenses, the possibilities are endless. Oh, and so are the choices.

Well, here I am in the office. It’s just another day like so many others. I’m amazed that I’ve been able to handle it for eighteen years. I have a fifteen-minute break, so I thought I would write a few paragraphs.

I hate the office environment - sterile air, ringing phones, water coolers, office gossip, fake greetings, and pasted on smiles. Could I be the only one who feels this way? I doubt it. Most days I just feel like leaving and never coming back. Very much like the movie, “Office Space.”

My cubicle is just one amongst many hundreds (at least that seems like a reasonable number). The main floor is very large (at least 20,000 square feet). Along the far wall are the individual offices of the managers and senior sales. They are actual rooms with a window view. You really have to have your ass-kissing skills honed to perfection to have an office here.

Don’t get me wrong, many of the individuals with their own office, are talented and well educated. They deserve to be where they are. However, there are many people working in a cubicle on the main floor, that are just as talented, though, not as submissive to the corporation and external customers. They have a mind of there own - not that they are indifferent or lazy, just that they have stood their ground in the past when bullied by management and customers. I’m included in this group.

As a new employee starting out with this firm in 1987, I thought I had the world on a string. I had completed college in ’85 and worked as an office clerk for a company that eventually went bankrupt. I applied for a position at my current company and was hired shortly afterwards. I was bright, fresh, and eager to please. It seemed like dream come true. I had great aspirations back then, and couldn’t imagine the day would come where I literally wanted to run, screaming out of the building, never to return.

I guess I’m slightly jaded. I don’t know how many workshops, seminars, or courses it took. I don’t know how many years of office politics it took. I don’t know how many rude or irate customers it took. I only know that hope was gradually replaced with despair.

I am still putting in an honest days work. After all, I am being paid for it. I’m not the type to coast along and let others carry my weight. I might hate my situation, but the company still deserves a full day’s work.

However, I’m only here for the paycheck now. I don’t care about the corporation. I see it for what it really is. I feel no loyalty since that loyalty would certainly not be reciprocated. I don’t want a promotion. I don’t want team-building workshops. I don’t want an employee-of-the-month travel mug. I just want out.

That’s my 20 minute rant for the day. Back to work…

Selling our home is pretty much a given at this point. It doesn’t look like Donna and I will reconcile at any point in the near future. Frankly, the house now seems like a huge weight I am carrying around for no reason. As long as I am responsible for it, I will be a slave to the system.

Firstly, it’s too big for one person, and secondly, Donna will eventually want her half of the equity. I don’t have the cash on hand to buy her out, so the only logical thing to do is sell the house.

I won’t miss it, personally, since it holds no sentimental value whatsoever. In fact, it represents everything that I believe is wrong in my life at the moment.

However, the main reason for selling the house is to free up some cash so that I may pay off my debts and start a significant savings and investment account. I am hoping that by securing some investments, I will be in the position to leave my job soon.

My short-term plan is to sell the house and move back to the city. I want to try to get a place near the downtown core so that I won’t need to keep a vehicle. I’d like to either walk or take a subway to work. The money saved here will go into the “Phil Freedom Fund.”

Sorry I digress – back to selling the house. I had the real estate agent over and we worked out a few things. Several things need to be done before the house officially hits the market. Much of this is cosmetic, such as painting and repairing a few minor holes and such. I’ll be replacing the carpet in a few rooms and updating some of the plumbing fixtures.

Outside, I’ll be leveling the interlocking brick in the front walk and repairing the rear deck. There are no major repairs needed. I have replaced the roof and re-paved the driveway in the past few years.

I won’t do all this work myself. I can handle the painting and the plumbing fixtures. The rest will be done professionally. I estimate $5,000.00 to complete the work.

I’m estimating that the house will be up for sale within thirty days. I can’t wait until it’s sold.

“Diet and exercise are critical to quality of life and, ultimately, longevity.”

This is the only thing keeping me on track right now. I have been dieting for about 2 weeks and it’s not as easy as it looks. I have literally given up most of my old eating habits for a newer, healthier, alternative.

Gone are the days of bacon and eggs for breakfast, or beer and snacks while watching a game on TV. Gone are the “fries and gravy” lunches and the after-work patios.

My new diet consists of oatmeal and grapefruit breakfasts, a salad and pita bread for lunch, and fish or chicken with lots of veggies, for dinner. Oh, yeah, and eight glasses of water a day. I’m constantly hungry.

Along with this, I have also cut out a lot of junk food, like chips and soda pop. In fact, I’ve cut out most sugar, and fillers such as bread. I admit I still can’t drink coffee without sugar.

Eating like this is torturous. I refuse to give up, though. I want to live to see my golden years. Besides, there’s so much more I would like to experience before I go.

As far as exercise goes, I just got a clean bill of health from my doctor, so I’m slowly implementing an exercise regime. To tell the truth, it only consists of a half hour walk in the evening.

Being as heavy as I am, I’m limited to what I can do. Walking seems like a good start. The neighbors must be wondering. In all the time I’ve lived on the street, I’ve never gone for a walk, not even to the corner store.

I thought about dusting off my bicycle, pumping up the tires, and taking the odd bike ride, but I look so odd at the moment (my ass covers the entire seat and then some). I’m just too big for the bike - any bike. I’d really give the neighbors something to laugh about if I started riding my bike around the block.

Eventually, I would like to start bike riding, but that’s way down the road. I need to shed at least fifty pounds first.

After two weeks of diet and exercise, I am only seeing a three-pound difference in my weight, and most of that is likely water loss. It’s a slow, depressing journey.

I have two mission statements. One is my company’s statement, and the other is my own. I don’t tell anyone about my personal mission statement, and the other, I simply follow out of necessity. I need a paycheck (for now, anyway).

In the 20 years or so in which I have been a loyal employee, I have been subjected to no less than 50 courses, seminars, workshops - all this in the name of employee improvement. It seems that with each executive shuffle, we are guaranteed at least one mandatory workshop. The new management wants to mold us according to their vision.

Very few are of any real value. We all sit through them, however, like a bunch of yes-men. We nod and pretend it’s interesting. “That’s it, it’ll be over soon. Next year the new execs will abolish this model and create their own”. Sigh…

You see, the number one rule to surviving the monotony of the corporate world is to smile when appropriate, act as though you give a s**t, and always keep one thing in mind: as long as you do a good job and satisfy the person directly above you, you’re going to be just fine.

Oh, and one more thing: Always keep in mind that you really don’t have a choice. They will tell you that they “value your input”, but at the end of the day you have to accept whatever is given to you. You are, after all, a team player - are you not? Team players follow orders and respect the chain of command for the greater good of the company. Team players will always put fellow employees and the company first.

While my company’s mission statement drones on about “customer service” and “results oriented” people and services, my mission statement is geared towards how I envision my ideal life to be. It tends to be much less structured than the company blueprint.

My company’s mission statement goes something like this:

“We are a customer oriented company whose goals are to provide our external clients with the highest level of service possible through an empowered and highly skilled workforce.”

And so on…

My mission statement is as follows:

“I will strive for freedom and self-sufficiency while remaining trapped within the corporate environment. I will learn to differentiate between things that will benifit me and things that will continue to enslave me. I am a self-oriented individual who will work towards independence and a life of my choosing and, ultimately, a life outside of the corporate world.”

Well, I joined the masses this week and started taking public transit to work.

I live about 35km from the most northerly commuter station. I drive there and then catch one of three trains into the downtown core every morning. The drive is great because it’s in the country, nice scenery and very little traffic.

The lot is huge, so there is never an issue with finding a parking spot. I always assumed that I would have to arrive at 5am to get a spot.

I was amazed at the generous amount of space there was in each car. Plenty of room to stretch. Similarly, the ride was also very quiet and comfortable. I could learn to like this.

I caught myself nodding off a few times. I wanted to try to avoid this, as I have a bad snoring problem. Come to think of it, I also have a bad drooling problem. It’s not pretty.

So, after an hour or so of reading, sleeping, or whatever, the train arrived at Union Station - the main downtown terminal. By this time, we were very tightly packed, and it takes a while for everyone to get off. That’s the only drawback. Arriving and leaving downtown is very hectic. The terminal is filled with thousands of commuters, taking dozens of different trains and buses, all heading in different directions.

Boarding the train in the morning at the start of the line is great since there are hundreds of seats from which to choose. Boarding at Union Station in the evening is not quite as pleasant. There are literally hundreds of people trying to fill the hundreds of seats all at once. The good thing is that as we head north and make a few stops, the seats become more plentiful.

Walking from the station, I head to my office building. There is a literal sea of people (several thousand) and the only thing I can think of is how lucky I am to be walking with them and not against them.

This will take some getting used to. Usually, I simply park in the underground and take the elevator up to the lobby. Oh, what the heck, the walking can only be good, right?

By the time I am in the lobby and waiting for an elevator, I’ve lost 99% of the crowd and my day begins as usual.

I won’t lie and say that the crowds don’t bother me, they do. However, it’s short lived and most of my commute is peaceful. I didn’t realize how much a person could accomplish on a train. The thing about driving to work is that your eyes can’t leave the road for a second. There is nothing you can do while driving. I enjoy this part of the train commute and I plan to read several novels in the next little while.

I’m only 3 days into it, so I’ll let you know how it goes. I can’t wait to try this in the winter. I’m going to save hours of commuting time each day. I can put up with crowds for the peace of mind I’ll have, not having to drive through snow, sleet and ice.

I’m feeling a little low right now. Donna has gone back to stay with her mother for a while.

I tried my best to make her see what I was trying to do, and that I wanted her to be a part of that. What I succeeded in doing was to come off as some sort of raving lunatic.

I could have explained it better perhaps, but I don’t think that would have worked. She had her mind made up as to the type of lifestyle she wanted, and my “vision” was a world away. She loves our current lifestyle. I’m not judging here; after all, it was my lifestyle for years. She simply does not want to give that up. There was no way to explain it to her. She wasn’t willing to listen. In fact, she chalked it up to a mid-life crisis. Her last words were “call me when you grow up.”

I realize that many would think me a fool to part company for such a silly reason. I never said this would be easy, nor did I expect it to be. It’s going to take a tremendous amount of courage and resolve to see this through.

As hard as it is, I would never impose my ideals on someone, just as I would expect that others would not impose their will on me.

No, I’m not heartless and un-feeling. There where many other factors involved which led to Donna leaving. Many are personal.

I’m happy.

For once in my life, I feel like things are finally falling into place. I feel as though I now have choices.

Now, nothing has changed on the outside. I’m still doing what I’ve been doing for the past 20 years. However, there is one important difference. I now have hope.

The simple act of making the decision to change my life has been very powerful. I’ve lost that persistent feeling of hopelessness that has been following me around for decades.

I’ve, more or less, completed the outline for what I plan to do in the upcoming months. It’s certainly not chiseled in stone, as I’m sure things will change on a day-to-day basis, once I start implementing things.

Everything is good. It all feels great, except for one thing- I feel that once I tell the world of my plans, I will face a lot of criticism and negativity. Much of this will come from my family and friends. I’m not looking forward to this. However, I realize that in order to start living life on my own terms, I’ll have to ignore much of it.

Like so many others, I have been conditioned by society to regard this type of lifestyle (the one I am proposing) as risky, immature, and irresponsible. Society keeps us in check by frowning upon this sort of thing. Our self-worth is very much tied to what it is we do for a living.

I worry about what others will think of me. I worry about losing my “social status”, as it has taken many years to build. I fear being perceived as lazy and unproductive. Of all the hurdles I will be facing in the coming months, this will certainly be the greatest.

After all, this is going against the norms. It is certainly not how mature, responsible adults are meant to behave.

While many of us may dream of packing in the career, there are, in fact, very few who carry through with it. 95% of us simply accept it as a part of living in a civilized world. “Your livelihood is certainly something you should never gamble with”.

To prove this point, let me tell you about a conversation I had with my brother last week.

I mentioned -in theory, mind you- my plans for the future. The reaction I got was predictable. He seemed visibly upset. He immediately started lecturing me (as though talking to a small child) about how important my job was; how lucky I was to have it, as hundreds would be lining up for it if I resigned. He reminded me of how the rest of the family would react and how shameful it would be to be unemployed. He said it was too risky and that I would have to start all over eventually, with less money and vacation time.

He questioned me on my plans for the future, and when I could not tell him exactly, he told me that he thought it was the most irresponsible thing he had ever heard. Lastly, he told me that he was reacting exactly how any other family member would. He was right about that.

I never thought this would be easy, and I was fully prepared for that type of reaction. However, I’m determined to follow this through, and to not be influenced by others. It’s going to take a great deal of strength and resolve to overcome the opinions of others. Are they genuinely worried, or perhaps a little jealous?

There is no way that I can make this happen without losing some of the “prestige “ and “status” that I’ve built up over the years. Frankly, I don’t care. It’s highly over-rated anyway. I’m determined to do what’s best for me.

The final days of our vacation were poisoned with the notion of having to return to work on Monday. All the enjoyment and new-found freedom was gone. I had a nagging feeling of doom and hopelessness that literally sucked the enjoyment out of the final few days. I started waking up in the middle of the night, thinking of returning to that hell-hole. My appetite was gone, and work was once more dominating my thoughts. I was miserable.

Sunday was spent at home, quiet and uneventful. Donna seemed to be ok. She left to visit her sister for a few hours, and I was left to mull over a few decisions.

I was jolted out of bed at 5am the next morning by the very familiar and sickening sound of my alarm clock; the load bleating bursts, rattling my very being. I hadn’t slept all night. I felt more depressed than I had ever been in my life. I just couldn’t do this anymore. Something had to give. I was now on the rat-race schedule and there would be no time for contemplation, original thought or daydreaming. I was on company time now.

As I was putting on a nice white shirt, I couldn’t help but notice the contrast between my, now tanned, skin and the stark whiteness of the shirt. It represented the conservative, business like, nature of the corporate world, and my skin represented the freedom, restfulness and carefree ways of a summer like no other. I wanted to shred the shirt.

Looking down at my feet, I couldn’t help but notice how great a “sandal” tan I had this year. The tan lines on my feet were a depressing reminder of carefree days at the beach, reading a good novel, or snoozing under the umbrella. Well, no time for that now, I had a schedule to keep (slipping on my socks and covering the tan-lines until next year).

I spent the day overwhelmed with work that had not been done. I worked through my lunch to try and get caught up. Everyone welcomed me back. I was quiet, as usual, for the rest of the afternoon. Throughout the day, I could feel myself being re-programmed slowly.

For the past 15 years of my 20-year career, I have returned to work, after enjoying a great holiday, with an overwhelming urge to just give my notice. I have fantasized about how great this would feel, and how free my life would be, as a result. I have never followed through for many reasons. After all, it’s one thing to think about quitting your job, but another, all together, to actually follow through with it. I suppose we all crave security, and that’s probably the number one reason for not going through with it; well, that, and the backlash that would result with family members. Such a decision would be regarded as immature and foolhardy. Besides, I would lose my dignity and social standing (yeah, right).

Fortunately, this only lasts for a day or so, and then it’s business as usual. I’ve often wondered about this phenomenon. It’s strange how you can’t easily stop worrying about work when you start your holidays, and even more strange how it takes a few days to get back into the rat-race. Is it because we need to be re-programmed? My guess is, yes.

This time it was different. Yes, I still had the same feelings of being trapped and such, but this year I truly felt that if I didn’t make a decision now, that I would remain enslaved until retirement. Besides, recent events in my life were serving as a wake-up call. I sat down and logically thought it over.

I made a list of things I needed to change. Quitting my job was at the top. I then went through all the reasons why it should happen now, instead of later. Nothing is really easy, and you won’t always satisfy everyone, but the decisions still need to be made, otherwise you’ll spin your wheels for years, stuck in the same rut, afraid to move. I decided that torturing myself for the next 20 years was too high a price to pay. Yes, there are a hundred reasons to stay (some of them good), but also several reasons to leave, and leave soon. I decided on the later.

Sept 6 was the day my life changed. On the outside, everything seemed normal, but inside, I was bursting with joy. The decision had been made, and I felt as though a thousand-pound weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt better than I have felt in 20 years. A bit scary, maybe, but the relief that the decision had been made was electrifying.

This week has gone great. I am happy and I guess people notice it. Life no longer feels hopeless. I can see a light at end of the tunnel (where it leads to is uncertain for now). I realize now just how trivial this job is, in the grand scheme of things, and how I have always desperately clung to it for *false* security.

Mentally, making the decision is most of the battle.