Three weeks into the “program”, and I really must say, that this sucks – a lot.

I’m miserable because I’m denying myself the simple pleasures I’m used to. What’s that old saying? “My stomach thinks my throat is cut.” I think I’m going through withdrawals, not unlike a drug addict going cold turkey. I really miss the way I used to eat. It was pleasurable.

Is it any wonder that most diets are short-lived, or fail completely? It really is a lifestyle change. You must think long-term lifestyle change.

I’ve been sticking to my self-imposed misery, though. As I mentioned before, it’s just common sense; I simply stay away from fat, sugar, salt and white bread. I try to eat lots of vegetables, fruit, grains, and drink tons of water.

Exercise still consists of walking. I’m increasing the distance every day (up to about one mile on some days). The key here is routine. I don’t miss a day.

To keep on the positive side, I constantly remind myself that it’s for the best in the long run. Adding extra years to your life is always a good thing.

I have a confession. I walked by an outdoor patio the other day and I happened to glance over towards the bar. Sitting on the end, was this full pint of Boddingtons (cold, with just a bit of foam spilling over the rim of the glass). It had been freshly poured, and I guess the bartender was just waiting for the beer to settle.

As I was walking by, I had this uncontrollable urge to grab the beer and just down it, non-stop. Nothing, at that point in time, would have been more refreshing. *mental note: must treat self to ONE beer after work today, to maintain sanity.* I haven’t consumed any alcohol in three weeks, so this should be interesting.

The only ray of hope is that I might be losing a bit of weight, although it’s such a small amount, I can’t be sure. I could have sworn, however, that my belt is a little looser than it used to be. Could there be hope?

Many months ago I had one dominating thought – by the way, this was prior to my bid to change my life. The question that kept nagging me, day in and day out was: What do I really want out of life?

It’s such a simply worded question, yet so meaningful in many ways. “What do I want out of life?” For once, I carefully considered this. It’s funny how, up until now, a question like that was so superficial. Years ago my answer would have been something like, more money, a high status career, and in general, a higher standard of living.

Well, I don’t know if it’s a sign of maturity, but nowadays, things like freedom and leisure time seem much more attractive. As an example, years ago, I would volunteer for as much overtime as possible. It seemed that making more money was the key to success and therefore happiness. These days, time is infinitely more important. I only work overtime when requested by the boss (and even then, I turn it down whenever possible).

Yes, I certainly value my free time these days. Besides, the government tax on overtime is horrendous.

Ok, so back to the question. Well, I would have to say that what I really want is the ability to choose. I would like more choices. I would like more freedom. Currently, I have no choices. I have worked my way into such a tight corner that I feel I can’t move.

My expenses pretty much equal my pay. I don’t have any money left over at the end of the month. If I had no debt, there would be a chance to save a little, but that’s not the case.

Being in this predicament means that I need every last cent, just to survive. I can’t have any interruption in pay without feeling the effects financially. I am literally two months from living on the street. I hate this situation; it’s very stressful.

The solution? Reduce my expenses – simple, yet effective. Cutting back my expenses will give me breathing room. It will eventually give me more choices and lower my stress level. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be operating at 110% all the time.

Going to work knowing that I’m banking a good portion of my money will be refreshing. Working, knowing that I don’t owe a cent, will seem much less stressful. It’s really a mind-set.

Yes, what I want is to have choices. To work at something I enjoy because I want to, not because I have to. To have choices when it comes to my work and leisure time. To be my own person and make decisions for myself and not the corporation. To reap the benefits of my own talents and hard work. To come and go as I please, when I please.

I’ve spent the last 20 years as a virtual slave to the system. I won’t allow myself to spend the next 20 in the same situation.

How do I plan on implementing this? I’m not sure yet – possibly a small business, a job that I actually enjoy, or maybe just a combination of living off my investments and a part-time job. Once I slash my expenses, the possibilities are endless. Oh, and so are the choices.

Well, here I am in the office. It’s just another day like so many others. I’m amazed that I’ve been able to handle it for eighteen years. I have a fifteen-minute break, so I thought I would write a few paragraphs.

I hate the office environment – sterile air, ringing phones, water coolers, office gossip, fake greetings, and pasted on smiles. Could I be the only one who feels this way? I doubt it. Most days I just feel like leaving and never coming back. Very much like the movie, “Office Space.”

My cubicle is just one among many hundreds (at least that seems like a reasonable number). The main floor is very large (at least 20,000 square feet). Along the far wall are the individual offices of the managers and senior sales. They are actual rooms with a window view. You really have to have your ass-kissing skills honed to perfection to have an office here.

Don’t get me wrong, many of the individuals with their own office, are talented and well educated. They deserve to be where they are. However, there are many people working in a cubicle on the main floor, that are just as talented, though, not as submissive to the corporation and external customers. They have a mind of there own – not that they are indifferent or lazy, just that they have stood their ground in the past when bullied by management and customers. I’m included in this group.

As a new employee starting out with this firm in 1987, I thought I had the world on a string. I had completed college in ‘85 and worked as an office clerk for a company that eventually went bankrupt. I applied for a position at my current company and was hired shortly afterwards. I was bright, fresh, and eager to please. It seemed like dream come true. I had great aspirations back then, and couldn’t imagine the day would come where I literally wanted to run, screaming out of the building, never to return.

I guess I’m slightly jaded. I don’t know how many workshops, seminars, or courses it took. I don’t know how many years of office politics it took. I don’t know how many rude or irate customers it took. I only know that hope was gradually replaced with despair.

I am still putting in an honest days work. After all, I am being paid for it. I’m not the type to coast along and let others carry my weight. I might hate my situation, but the company still deserves a full day’s work.

However, I’m only here for the paycheck now. I don’t care about the corporation. I see it for what it really is. I feel no loyalty since that loyalty would certainly not be reciprocated. I don’t want a promotion. I don’t want team-building workshops. I don’t want an employee-of-the-month travel mug. I just want out.

That’s my 20 minute rant for the day. Back to work…